This week was, yet again, filled with ups and downs. I am finding that this journey is exceptionally good at testing my emotional strengths and revealing my emotional weaknesses, some of which I didn’t even realize I had. I have cried more in the past few months than I have the past few years. (Luckily for me, I can blame most of my emotional breaks on the hormones, and I will continue to do so throughout this pregnancy.)
Thursday my husband and I had left the kids with grandma and gone up to Blackhawk, CO for the evening. I was on spring break and was looking forward to having time for myself, catching up on sleep, relaxing, and maybe winning some money while I was at it. I had sat down at a Blackjack table (my favorite) and started having really severe lower back pain, but attributed it to the chair and my horrible posture. After about 30 minutes, the pain was getting worse and I was starting to have some cramps. I went to the restroom a short while later and I was bleeding.
My first thought was of my IM. She is doing incredibly well after her first chemo treatment and I didn’t want to have to give her more bad news. I have had two miscarriages of my own, and when you are pregnant and see blood it’s impossible not to panic. I was terrified. I immediately called my nurse and explained what was going on to her and she kept telling me to stay calm and not panic because with IVF there could be a million reasons for bleeding. She asked me if I could come in the following morning for an ultrasound so they could investigate the source of the bleed. I asked her to call the IPs because I knew I would cry and wouldn’t be able to explain any of the possibilities she had just explained to me.
I couldn’t sleep at all that night. I was still having pretty severe back pain and mild cramping. I couldn’t get comfortable. I was hot. I was restless. I couldn’t settle my mind. The bleeding got much lighter through the night and by morning it had stopped but I still had some cramping. I tried my best to stay positive and focus on the fact that the bleeding had stopped because with a miscarriage it most likely would not stop and would instead get much worse.
Our IPs were able to meet up at CCRM for the ultrasound and there was definitely a little tension and fear in the air. The ultrasound tech was so nice and explained everything she was measuring and seeing and really helped to calm me down. She found a subchorionic hematoma (SCH) which was causing my bleeding. They can’t really be sure what causes it and I’m under strict instructions not to Google it as it can be quite scary. My bleed is fairly large, but they are hopeful it will clear up on its own by the end of the first trimester. She told us they are very common and not a huge cause for concern. They reiterated all my restrictions (no exercise, no lifting, no sex, no strenuous anything. Just lots of rest.) They are going to monitor me weekly to make sure the bleed is clotting and getting smaller, but everything else looks great.
After all the scary stuff, we got to see two heartbeats! We are expecting TWINS! I am over the moon excited for my IPs as my IM had told me she’d had a dream about holding twins, a boy and a girl. I could tell the IF was a little shocked, but still so excited as well. I can’t even begin to tell you how good it felt to see those two heartbeats on the monitor. The babies are measuring great and both had really strong heartbeats.
I can admit I’m a little nervous to carry twins. I know it’s going to be a little more challenging physically, however I am so so excited for the new experience. I know I’m going to continue to learn so much about myself.
Despite all the ups and downs thus far, I can honestly say that this journey is changing me for the better. I am learning to look for the positive in situations and give myself something happy to focus on rather than the more difficult aspects. I am learning, very quickly, that I have absolutely no control over what happens and that, to me, is terrifying as I am quite a control freak in my normal life. I think it’s good and bad that I have no control because I’m learning to let go a little and just take what I can from each twist and turn and it’s also teaching me to better handle my fear. I’m having to face the fact that anything can (and will) happen. Que sera, sera.