When it rains…

…it pours. This past week has been quite an emotional roller coaster. When I began this journey I had no idea how much it was going to test my emotional strength, especially right out of the gate.

I had texted my IM with my first set of Beta numbers on Wednesday and was so excited that I was officially pregnant. She had responded saying they were also so excited and that she’d love to talk on the phone later. I told her I would call her after work. I left a voice mail but I didn’t really hear much else from her which had me a little concerned as the last time I didn’t hear much it was because she had found out she had breast cancer. I tried not to think too much of it as I knew she had a crazy week because she was starting chemo and we would talk again soon after my second beta on Friday, March 13.

Thursday night I got a phone call from her while I was at work. I stepped into the back room to answer as I had been anxiously awaiting her call! We talked about how excited we both were and I congratulated them. I told her I was exhausted, but so so excited to have had such great beta numbers and that I was looking forward to bigger numbers on Friday. We both laughed about the fact that she kept saying “babies” and that all my friends are secretly hoping it’s twins as well. We also laughed that our case manager has repeatedly mentioned that our story is unfolding like a movie.

Then came the bad news. My IM had found out, two days after transfer, that her cancer has spread to her liver. I was speechless. I was so angry as my IPs were finally getting such wonderful news that we were expecting, only to turn around and have life throw them yet another curve ball. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. She explained that she had started chemo that morning and treatment would be the same as before. She will be doing chemo for about 4 months and will have surgery in July. The prognosis is just not as good as before. There is a higher likelihood that her cancer will return throughout her life and she may have to endure treatments again. She had told her doctor about the surrogacy and that she was expecting and the doctor told her “then you WILL be fine.”

I am a very strong believer in the amazing power of our minds, especially when it comes to healing. I think this baby (or these babies) will be a strong motivator for her to get through her treatments and to get herself healthy so she can love on them as much as possible, and I will be there for her every step of the way. But, I can’t help feeling so frustrated and helpless. They are such wonderful people and they have been through so much to get here, they don’t deserve anymore bad news.

I hung up the phone feeling heartbroken, distraught, exhausted, frustrated, helpless, confused, and just all around emotional. I am so grateful to be able to help such wonderful people and it’s so hard for me knowing there’s not more I can do. I just have to focus on keeping myself healthy and giving this baby (or babies) the best pregnancy ever.

I am also so grateful to have such an amazing and supportive staff at work. They were waiting for me to get off the phone and just gave me this huge hug and said they were there for us no matter what. I’m very thankful for all the amazing support I’m getting from those close to me. And I’m so thankful to have my IPs to share this journey with. I’m so glad that my IM and I can support each other through the next several months.

This is nothing like I thought it would be. Early on in this process they tell you to try not to expect anything because you really never know what’s going to happen. Boy does that hit home for my journey. I had no clue things could wind up the way they are. I had no clue my journey would be quite as emotional as it’s turning out to be. I had no clue I could be so incredibly happy and so scared at the same time.

I do know that I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am so incredibly grateful to be on this journey with such amazing and deserving people. I am learning so much about myself and it’s still so early. I know this is going to be tough for all of us, but we are so lucky to have each other and it’s going to make the end result so much more special to us all.

FINALLY, some good news: Friday morning I went and had more blood work done and went to work like normal. I found it much harder to keep myself distracted this time as I had so much going on in my mind. IT WAS A LONG DAY! The nurse didn’t call me until after 5pm, but she had great news! My beta had more than doubled in two days and had gone from 300 on Wednesday to 616 by Friday morning! I have MORE blood work scheduled for March 23rd to check hormones, and my first ultrasound will be March 30th to see how many babies are hanging out in there! Let the countdown begin.

One thought on “When it rains…

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